Hot shot kid in a too-fast car cut you off this morning; it’s noon and you’re still seething?

Clerk at the grocery store wouldn’t let you in his express line because the guy behind you ratted on your 11th item?

Husband had an affair 15 years ago and even though you’ve been divorced for seven, your stomach still knots up when you think about it?

You moved to a new city for a great career opportunity but long so for your old home and your old friends that you can’t find anything to like about the new place?

Your son stays home to care for the kids while your daughter-in-law works at her law practice and this just doesn’t seem right to you?

You know you should let it all go and you try, but there it is, that same old stuff still getting rent-free space in your head.

Just exactly how does one let go so that the residue of the past is put away, forgotten or transformed into memories that can be called upon at will rather than those that show up like telephone solicitors at dinnertime and demand attention?

Letting go has to do with living in the present moment rather than the past. It happens when the past isn’t projected into the future, but left behind where it belongs. It is about making amends when called for, taking care of that which needs attending to, forgiving rather than re-living.

• Try this: next time a thought about something that happened in the past floats into your mind let it pass through without jumping aboard and going along for the ride. If you focus on it, like a weed that gets watered, it will grow. But if you acknowledge it then disregard it, it will go away.

• However, if the thought that comes along is about something that’s left undone, you may need to take some action before you can let go. Make amends to someone, clear up some misunderstanding, write a letter or make a phone call. Maybe you need to make a list and set some goals. Begin with some small, manageable step of a larger problem or situation. Whatever you must do, begin it. Taking action sometimes precedes letting go.

• Stay in the now and be where you are. Create a supportive environment with what you have. Make a gratitude list of what you like about wherever you are, not just your living arrangements, but other parts of your life, too. Get rid of what doesn’t fit and give yourself space to be.

• Write letters that you may or may not send to people you need to let go of. (Caution: always wait a few days and check with someone you trust if you have any doubts about the appropriateness of the letter.) Write unsent letters to places, events, and situations or to people who have passed away. Write what you feel, say what you need, and say goodbye.

• Let go by putting away pictures, memorabilia, clothes, gifts and anything else that keeps you actively connected with someone who’s no longer with you and whose presence you keep alive when it would be more beneficial to move on.

• Make a ceremony of letting go. Burn old letters or journals. Dig a hole and bury what needs to be buried. Or send it away on a receding tide or on a flowing stream. Write a letter or vow for the occasion, read it aloud. Light candles, sing songs, burn sage. Weep. Include others in your ceremony to witness or assist you.

• Let go of old ideas by getting information about what’s new or different. People, lifestyles and cultures change. Talk to others, get other perspectives. Focus on what’s good with change, find ways it benefits you and others. Holding on to how it used to be keeps you from participating in the present.

• Release thoughts and words that categorize people, that measure or evaluate or that judge or condemn or hold with expectations. Eliminate words like should, ought, can’t, if only, however and impossible.

Gerald Jampolsky, M.D., author of Love is Letting Go of Fear, wrote, “When we cherish or hold onto grievances, we cannot let go. We become imprisoned.” Perhaps the highest level of letting go is to practice forgiveness.

In a conscious relationship we can be a resource for healing and growth for one another. Any moment that we can meet our partner as an equal, despite our difference is a step in the direction of growth.

“As temples of healing, relationships are like a trip to the divine physician’s office. How can a doctor help us unless we show him our wounds? Our fearful places have to be revealed before they can be healed…If a relationship allows us to merely avoid our unhealed places, then we’re hiding there, not growing.” Marianne Williamson

When Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors,” he was on to something. Our ability to relate to others in a healthy way depends on our awareness of not stepping aggressively into their territory—physical and psychological—and not letting them step into ours. Boundaries are protective limits that prevent abuse and unwanted liberties. They serve well to express who we are and work best when they’re based on respect for ourselves and others.

We need both external and internal boundaries to function well with the people in our lives without resentment and with integrity. They help us, too, to be discriminating about whom we allow in. Having fences and keeping them mended makes for good relationships.

What do you mean by external boundaries?

These are the easier ones– about physical limits. We set boundaries about how closely we let others come to us and whether or not we allow them to touch us. These boundaries vary depending on how well we know and love the person. In ordinary social situations, a respectful distance of 18 inches is comfortable for most people. When we encounter a “close talker,” we find ourselves moving backward to reclaim our 18 inches. Even in elevators, if the usual distance isn’t possible, we maintain integrity by not making physical contact. We need to be aware of not invading someone else’s space and not touching someone unless they make it clear that it’s welcome.

Sexual boundaries fit into this category also. We control whether we say yes or no to the person, place, time and manner for sexual interaction and others have the same rights in regard to us. Rape would be the ultimate violation of a sexual boundary, but an overly-enthusiastic kiss of a host or hostess can also overstep the line, as well as a lascivious stare at a co-worker.

External boundaries are violated when someone steals from you or spies on you, eavesdrops on your private conversations, checks your e-mail, goes through your briefcase or your drawers, reads your journal, borrows your belongings without permission, etc.

How about internal boundaries?

These are the more challenging kind! Just like the external boundaries, there are those designed to protect us from the world and those that protect the world from us!

We impose internal boundaries on ourselves to show respect for others when we are doing the speaking. This means that we refrain from yelling and name-calling. We don’t say things that are demeaning or insulting, that ridicule or patronize, or that blame and shame. We learn to express our feelings in moderation.

We’re being respectful of others, too, when we’re discriminating about how much self-revelation we do and to whom. Sharing too much personal information with someone you don’t know well can be awkward and uncomfortable for them. They may be too polite to make that known, but if their boundaries are healthy, they may back off from us. People who ramble on, even if they’re not discussing personal issues, show a lack of respect for their listeners.

When we are the listener, our sense of boundaries is challenged even further because we can’t control the speaker, but we have to create boundaries about how we allow their words in and how we let them affect us. If speakers are exhausting with their chatter or offensive with their remarks, we can limit our time with them by making a gracious exit or we can change the subject. If they’re complaining about us personally, we want to be open enough to let in the truth, but not so vulnerable that we take in even what isn’t true.

First we can get ourselves into a safe physical position—moving to a different chair, walking to the other side of a table, holding a pillow on our laps. We want to be comfortable enough to listen with some understanding of where this person is coming from. If there’s anger, what’s below it? Are they afraid, insecure, hurt? We can listen to discover something about who this person is instead of listening with righteousness as we plan our defense. Many of us feel unfairly attacked when faced with any criticism. After all we do and how generous, hard-working and responsible we are!! How could anyone dare confront us? Especially someone who doesn’t measure up to our standards!

Even when their words are blaming, we have to maintain that internal boundary of not taking on blame. We aren’t responsible for making someone feel, think or do anything. Each of us is responsible for what we feel, think and do ourselves. But, oh how this can trigger us into a counter-attack! It takes some courage and discipline to experience the emotions this triggers and breathe our way through it without lashing out.

Another internal listening boundary that we can set for ourselves is to be objective about whether what they’re saying is really true. When arguing, many folks will say, “You always…” or, “You never…” when such a statement is rarely true. But often, there is some truth tucked into that generalization that we can be willing to evaluate. When it is true, feeling shameful and inferior isn’t going to make anything better. If the truth makes us feel guilty and fearful, we have to remind ourselves that we’re really O.K.—no better than anyone else and no worse than anyone else. We can choose to work on our failing without losing self-esteem and can actually feel better about ourselves because we are willing to try again to be a better person.

When an accusation isn’t true, we have to detach from the emotion it triggered and let it pass through us like light or shadow passes through clear glass. It doesn’t stick like a dart on a dartboard or stab our hearts like a knife. Other people have a right to their opinions and their points of view and we can respect their differences without getting defensive, angry and hurt.

Establishing boundaries is a way of living respectfully. It doesn’t mean creating a Berlin Wall that isolates and alienates. But it does mean setting healthy limits that express our reverence for other human beings and prevent the world from running roughshod over us until we resent the intrusion or abuse.